Love is Drunk

Here is an experience I wrote about four years ago. I just recently came across it and I think it's worth sharing. Enjoy!

September 2nd, 2012

I went to church Sunday night. I got to see the gold dust for the first time. Though, to me, it looked more like gold sparkles.

After the service, I went up to be part of the love tunnel, haha. I stood between Andy and Janine Mason, Bill across from us. It was a fun time, I was laughing a good amount throughout that jolly experience.

After everyone had gone through, I went through and was about to approach my room mate to discuss when we would leave when I noticed Deborah Stevens and Iian Bradbeer both sitting on the floor with a man facedown in between them. They were obviously drunk. I walked up to them because they were so cute sitting there like pals. I always catch them drunk together.

When I got to them, I announced, "You two are friends."
"We're best friends." Deborah affirmed in her drunken, gravelly voice.
"Hello, Mike," Iian greeted me. "your eyes are full of love."

They both had their hands on my shoulders at this point. I began to laugh, pretty hard, at the sight and sound of what I had just entered. Two drunken lovers of Jesus talking crazy and having a good time. I began laughing very hard, hunched over between them. Iian continued, "eyes of love...buddhism...dark places...love...changing the way they think..." I can't remember most of what he said because I was laughing so hard. The absurdity and child-likeness of the moment was overwhelming. I slumped down, my knees resting on the butt of the guy face down between them. I didn't care. Nobody cared. We were all...carefree. I was impressed with how Deborah and Iian were so unfettered, so unhinged, so...free.

I remembered my room mate, "Okay, you two, I have to go, my room mate is waiting for me. I just wanted to say hi." I explained.

We bid farewell and I walked away. I could see one of my room mates at the end of the aisle walking toward me, no one between us. I started down the aisle and felt my body compelled to not walk at that moment. I took a few unsure steps and fell onto a chair on my left. I started laughing at the thought, "I didn't walk well just now...I just fell over because my legs feel funny." My room mate escorted me out to the parking lot where our other room mate was waiting for us. "I feel like my legs are stuffed with marshmallows." I said out loud. My room mate laughed.

We met up with my other room mate and we walked towards our car. While we were walking, I remembered how Deborah looks people in the eyes as she laughs like a crazy person. I suddenly became very aware of how vulnerable acting like this makes you. You're vulnerable because you're motivated by love and acting out of a child-like heart.

A girl was accompanying us whom I had not met before. I spoke to her and said, "I haven't met you before, I'm Mike." and I reached out to hug her. She hugged me in return. "I'm Jocelyn. Wow, you give great hugs." She replied. 

I grew up in an Asian household where expressing physical affection is not commonplace. It's dismaying for me to initiate hugs. The possibility of rejection was too severe, the actual hug itself too unfamiliar to be deemed comfortable. I hugged both of my room mates on the way to the car. "We're all so happy!" I would announce periodically in jubilance.

We went to the grocery store and once we got in there, a man of a large build, about 6' 2" was stocking shelves. I saw his name was Alex from his name badge. "Hi Alex, how are you doing?" I asked sincerely, though trying to be light enough that he would be turned off by my interest in him, a complete stranger. "Doing good, thanks." He shot back automatically. I put my hand on his shoulder as we walked by.

I went through 1st and 2nd year as one of those students who was left standing while everyone else was laughing their heads off, drunk, manifesting...thinking something was wrong with me. What was I missing? What didn't I get? Why wasn't I getting drunk? To go from that to having difficulty walking was quite a change.

"We're all so happy!" I kept exclaiming throughout the evening. I walked up to a three young people shopping together. "You guys..." I started. They all just stopped talking and looked at me, waiting for whatever it was that I was going to say, a little apprehensive. "You go to Bethel, don't you?" I said, pointing an accusing finger at them.
"Yeah." They replied in unison, softening.
"You can tell." I said and walked away.

I asked a man to help my room mate pick a certain cut of steak that would cook well and taste good. He gave us all kinds of advice.
"What's your name?" I asked him after he was done.
"Rich. What's your name?" He asked me back.
"Mike." I replied. "Nice to meet you." as he shook my hand a little too hard.
"You too." He said. It was a good exchange.

We headed for the checkout aisle when this girl in a Coldstone uniform walked by. She must have just gotten off of a late shift. She looked unhappy, sad...missing hope. I could feel love for her rising in my heart. I wanted to hug her and tell her how beautiful she was and how much God loved her and was pleased with her. I hoped we'd cross paths again. She ended up being two people behind us in the check out line. But we didn't end up near each other.

When we got to our car, a woman was waiting for me to get into the car so she could get into her truck next to ours.
"Oh, go ahead." I urged.
She smiled and went to her door.
"You have a great smile." I complimented.
"Thank you." She said, smiling. 
My room mate, Colton goes, "Mike..." with a snort, a little embarrassed.

I totally agree with Kevin Dedmon; we should get drunk in the Holy Spirit all of the time, especially when we're about to go on a treasure hunt or evangelizing in any form. This drunkenness removes your fear of rejection. You don't care what people think, you've been given a secret: People WANT love like they need air. They all want to be loved. Everyone wants it. And in this drunken place, you're not afraid to give it out freely. In this drunken state, you become a generator, a power plant, a resource. You have what everyone wants and the fear that keeps you from giving it to them has been quelled. Nothing is keeping you from BEING you, fully you. :)

On the drive home, I announced, "We're all so happy!" They all laughed again proving me right. ;) But the truth is, we are all so happy. Ha. Some people are more aware and familiar with that than others.

I didn't want to go home, I wanted us to be around a bunch of people. I wanted to love people. I wanted to touch them and enjoy them and accept and affirm and celebrate them.

When we got home, I went in and hugged every room mate I could find. Colton found our room mate, Alex in the hallway and hugged him from behind.

"Alex!" I exulted and joined the hug, sandwiching Alex between Colton and me.
"Wow, what happened?" Alex asked.
"We're all so happy." I told him.
After hugging for a couple of seconds, Alex was ready to be released. But Colton and I just held on.
"Nope, it's not uncomfortable yet." I told Alex. Haha.

Then I found Micah in the living room. "Micah!" and hugged him.
"Whoa. Are you guys drunk?" He asked.
"Mike is." Kenyon clarified.

For the rest of the evening, we hung out, made dinner together and just enjoyed each other. I kept hanging on people and hugging people.

I've been painfully aware at times of the love in me that I was too afraid to give. I have often felt trapped in my own body, a prisoner of my own inhibitions...betraying my own heart by withholding affection. But I was always too scared to show love to people, exposing my interest in connecting, even if only for a moment. The threat of rejection was too great; the embarrassment of need too humiliating.

I woke up the next morning and wished I could feel the way I did the night before, all the time. "How can I be drunk all the time?" I wondered. I didn't feel all fluffy and wobbly anymore. I didn't feel like I needed to just sit. My mind had gone back to normal. But something HAD changed. I remember how I was relating to people, how I had chosen to bridge the gap between me and them and LOVE. And I still had that experience under my belt the following morning. The desire hadn't changed but the altered state of mind tricked me into being honest with people and love them. Ha. Now that the anesthesia had worn off, I didn't feel the buzz but I did think differently.

There is a lover inside of me that I have been afraid of for a long time. This simple, light-hearted joy that bubbled into excitement, insensitivity to pain and deafness to fear caused me to slip into a place where I could be more me than I'd ever allowed myself to be with all of my carefully crafted manners, practices, behavioral patterns and wittiness. It's amazing to see what love looks like with my skin on.

Love is fierce, bold; transcendent. It crosses lines of fear and apprehension and exacts the message: I am yielded favorably in your direction, I want to be connected to you, I accept you, you have worth I recognize and want to be joined to, I want to serve you, I want to bless you, I want to know you.

With this new boldness, it's like the world has opened bigger and I have been given permission to expand. Perfect love casts out fear.

It's like I was welcomed to the world of fearlessness where my love is free to touch another.